I don’t often discuss marriage on the blog, although I did here and here a long, long time ago. But after two and half years of marriage and 11 and a half years of relationshipping with the same man (that would be Rob for those newly arrived here) I still have questions. I think I will always have questions, because the day marriage stops changing and being interesting for me, well…

I don’t think anything if life should be stale, complacent or just ‘there’. At least I know that much about what  I want.

So anyway. The other day, someone very close to me says, “maybe you’re just not that nurturing”. There is a huge context here and I’m majorly paraphrasing, but the general idea this person put out was that maybe I could use a little work in the nurture department.

As my lips started to form “fuck you” as a response (classy, I know) I decided that this person was probably, actually right. She knows me well and has watched me change throughout my 20s. And, although she says I am a softer version of, say, my 23-year old self (just discovered the essence of feminism; marched for abused women’s rights; and wouldn’t think twice about tossing the middle finger to a drive-by whistler… you know the type) I, according to this person, could use a little lesson in nurturing my man.

Yes, this is one brave lady, but I love her. And she loves me. And I trust her.

So after that little conversation, I went straight to the source: Rob

“Do you think I nurture you enough?” I came right out and asked, as he was watching the final World Cup soccer game (relax, it was on commercial). He looked at me like, just stared. Is he thinking? I could see the smoke starting to billow out from the nooks of his ears. ‘This is worse than the do I look fat today question‘, is what I gather he was thinking.

“Um, you are…” he finally responded, “but…”

“…But?” I asked. I had to throw the guy a bone, I could see was suffering with the answer, not to mention the possibility of hurting his wife’s feelings, which, I can assure you is a very bad thing. “But, I could use a little more in that department, right?”

He just lightly nodded, and I had my answer.

So I started thinking about the boundaries between being more nurturing and just becoming your partner’s full-on STAFFER. I’ve seen it happen quite a bit in my mother’s generation, for isntance, and especially within Rob’s family. So I had to wonder where exactly did his deduction of my non-nurturing existence stem from.

Scary, right? This is like meant-for-the-therapist- type stuff and here I am, tackling it publicly on a blog. Oh well.

Is nurturing making dinner for your partner every night, without question or thanks? Is it laying our your partner’s clothes for work the next day? Is it rubbing stinky feet every night, even though your own feet could really use a little love? Is it supporting your partner’s moods, both good and bad, no matter under what circumstances? Is it doing their laundry, cleaning up the dishes or being the one to handle your joint social calender every single weekend? WHAT IS NURTURING AND WHAT IS JUST BEING YOUR PARTNER’S STAFF?

(notice I say ‘partner’ – this goes both ways, baby. This is not a woman’s rant. Although, I do believe that women are pushed into this nurturer role more often than men. Fact.)

When I was 20-years old, Rob had this job (hey, that rhymes) that kept him out of town, in the Canadian wilderness, for a few days at a time. Each trip, he would pack a cooler filled with food and water. One night, as he was filling this cooler for a trip, Rob’s mom turned to me and asked something like, ‘Why aren’t you doing this for him? Aren’t you his girlfriend?’ I replied something like, ‘Well, I think he can take care of himself, but if he wants my help, that’s fine, too. He can ask’. The next seven years of my life with his family were, um, shadowed a bit by my comment. Tip: For all those ladies out there who are new to the family, DON’T DO THAT.

Was I being a non-nurturer or simply trusting that Rob could take care of himself (which he does, and very well, I might add).

The truth is that, yes, I could nurture a bit more – not because I’m a woman, but because I’m a partner to a good man who deserves it every now and again. On the flip side, however I personally think that many women do get carried away with this role – many women take my MIL’s stance and take that all the way through their 20s and then wonder why they feel spent and restless as the years of marriage forge on. And then there are the women who absolutely thrive on this type of relationship, which is fine and great, I guess, but what if nurturing is not your nature?

What I learned in my 20s is that there is never a perfect balance of anything: Not love, not work-life, not politics, not yoga, not the division of household labor and not even eating chocolate cake for dinner and then an egg-white omelet for breakfast the next day. In the end, things usually lean one way or another – balance, shmalance. Instead, I think it’s constantly working towards that never-existing balance that keeps things interesting. It’s the pursuit, not the achievement of balance that keeps a marriage thriving. Or at least, in my two and half years of marriage and 11 years of relationship, that’s what I’ve figured out.

So, tonight, when Rob comes home, there will be dinner made, because I love to cook almost as much as I love chocolate cake for dinner. But the dishes? Well, I’m not touching those.

I’m working on balance.