Comments on: nurturer or straight up “staff”?

By: Kim

Kim — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 17:55:25 +0000

Wow so true! No prob, but I think you came to the breakthrough yourself lol. Anytime tho ;)

By: sandyb

sandyb — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 13:33:32 +0000

you’re right! a marriage is never 50-50. sometimes you’ll carry the load, sometimes he will. in the end though it does find balance. i think the trick is (and not that i’ve mastered it by any means) just TRUST that these things do balance out over the course of a marriage – be patient during the times when you feel depleted or less nurtured because, if your partner really is right for you, eventually, that same caring/nurturing will be available for you.

By: sandyb

sandyb — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 13:31:03 +0000

hm, i really relate to this, too. i’m very self-sufficient and sometimes, i’d say, to a fault. i can forget the need to nurture because i’m often operating at a fast pace, as one self-contained little unit. in doing that, i forget that i’m needed, too. as much as nurturing is about your partner, it really is a reflection of how comfortable we are (or are not) with allowing ourselves to be vulnerable enough to sense someone else’s needs.

woah. major break through for me there… THANK YOU KIM

By: sandyb

sandyb — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 13:28:58 +0000

Thank you Jane! I like your take on it – nurturing your partner’s inner needs, not just the outer with dinners or massages or laundry – i’d have to agree. at least for me anyway, as much as i love a good foot rub, the right words from my partner at the end of the day can replace a massage or high cal meal any night of the week.

By: sandyb

sandyb — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 13:27:23 +0000

you’re not off the mark at all! in fact, with all the great comments here (and emails!) i’ve realized that, like definitions of love and marriage and coupling, there are various definitions of nurturing as well. some say it’s doing things out of love, not obligation. others say obligation is part of the nurturing process that’s what makes it so needed for the recipient – it’s a want. and others say it’s the small things done in between the big ones – drawing a warm bath after a long day’s work; making a favorite meal just because or rubbing tired (stinky) feet after a hard day. i gather, that, what it means to you is most important and what it means to others is irrelevant. food for thought.

By: paws4thot

paws4thot — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 10:57:43 +0000

Maybe I’m way off beam (and/or off message) here, but I’m thinking that nurturing in a relationship is doing things that the other partner likes because they like them, not just because you want to and certainly not because you feel an obligation. For example, I’ll sometimes offer to cook just to give me a chance to do so, but the times I feel I’m being nurturing are the times I cook to give the regular cook a break rather than because I want to cook.

By: carissa

carissa — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 06:00:42 +0000

I don’t think im very nurturing in the everyday sense.. i need to be nurtured more.. but in my current , newish relationship.. i feel like im more than i ever have been.. and i don’t know what that means!

By: jane

jane — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 18:20:35 +0000

Excellent post…very thought provoking. It’s funny really, because when you say nurturing in a relationship context – it makes me think of nurturing in the way of personal development and challenging one another personally, intellectually, mentally, spiritually too I guess. Nurturing leads to growth and I guess that’s the sort of growth I hope for in a relationship. I can see though that there is this other kind of nurturing, but some people are more inclined to behave that way than others. I have friends who act like that towards everyone, and others who even when they’re head-over-heels in love with someone, are very unlikely to have dinner on the table for them. It’s so dependent on your personality and strengths, and indeed on the other person’s needs – and how healthy those needs are. Some men are brought up being mollycoddled and I for one would not want to be nurturing that at all! (Not saying that’s the case with your guy!). You’re absolutely right that it’s the pursuit and not the achievement – showing love for someone through acts of kindness is very important, but it’s definitely not a matter of duty or service. The thought really is what counts. I guess this is also a cultural issue, and a sociological question of the way each party views the nature of the male-female dynamic. So interesting! Food for thought, thank you.

By: imerika

imerika — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 17:25:58 +0000

As a newlywed, I relate SO well to this post.

I’m still trying to strike a balance between nurturing–because i do love making my husband happy–and staffing. i feel i do a lot more in the cleaning department and i get sick ofpicking up after him. but at teh same time, he does cook for me A LOT. we’ve only been married three months and we’re still trying to figure it out, but i constantly have to hold myself back from just ‘doing’ everything and leaving his clothes on the floor so that he WILL pick them up…eventually.

i find though, that if you’ve married a great guy, he will also do those sweet nurturing things for you in return. it’s definitely not 50-50 but i don’t think a relationship is ever 50-50.

By: sandyb

sandyb — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 16:36:03 +0000

agreed! if “wife-ing” was a job… I’d be FIRED. Ha! Good thing I know how to do cute things like make great coffee and dress the cat up like a fairy.