I don’t often discuss marriage on the blog, although I did here and here a long, long time ago. But after two and half years of marriage and 11 and a half years of relationshipping with the same man (that would be Rob for those newly arrived here) I still have questions. I think I will always have questions, because the day marriage stops changing and being interesting for me, well…
I don’t think anything if life should be stale, complacent or just ‘there’. At least I know that much about what I want.
So anyway. The other day, someone very close to me says, “maybe you’re just not that nurturing”. There is a huge context here and I’m majorly paraphrasing, but the general idea this person put out was that maybe I could use a little work in the nurture department.
As my lips started to form “fuck you” as a response (classy, I know) I decided that this person was probably, actually right. She knows me well and has watched me change throughout my 20s. And, although she says I am a softer version of, say, my 23-year old self (just discovered the essence of feminism; marched for abused women’s rights; and wouldn’t think twice about tossing the middle finger to a drive-by whistler… you know the type) I, according to this person, could use a little lesson in nurturing my man.
Yes, this is one brave lady, but I love her. And she loves me. And I trust her.
So after that little conversation, I went straight to the source: Rob
“Do you think I nurture you enough?” I came right out and asked, as he was watching the final World Cup soccer game (relax, it was on commercial). He looked at me like, just stared. Is he thinking? I could see the smoke starting to billow out from the nooks of his ears. ‘This is worse than the do I look fat today question‘, is what I gather he was thinking.
“Um, you are…” he finally responded, “but…”
“…But?” I asked. I had to throw the guy a bone, I could see was suffering with the answer, not to mention the possibility of hurting his wife’s feelings, which, I can assure you is a very bad thing. “But, I could use a little more in that department, right?”
He just lightly nodded, and I had my answer.
So I started thinking about the boundaries between being more nurturing and just becoming your partner’s full-on STAFFER. I’ve seen it happen quite a bit in my mother’s generation, for isntance, and especially within Rob’s family. So I had to wonder where exactly did his deduction of my non-nurturing existence stem from.
Scary, right? This is like meant-for-the-therapist- type stuff and here I am, tackling it publicly on a blog. Oh well.
Is nurturing making dinner for your partner every night, without question or thanks? Is it laying our your partner’s clothes for work the next day? Is it rubbing stinky feet every night, even though your own feet could really use a little love? Is it supporting your partner’s moods, both good and bad, no matter under what circumstances? Is it doing their laundry, cleaning up the dishes or being the one to handle your joint social calender every single weekend? WHAT IS NURTURING AND WHAT IS JUST BEING YOUR PARTNER’S STAFF?
(notice I say ‘partner’ – this goes both ways, baby. This is not a woman’s rant. Although, I do believe that women are pushed into this nurturer role more often than men. Fact.)
When I was 20-years old, Rob had this job (hey, that rhymes) that kept him out of town, in the Canadian wilderness, for a few days at a time. Each trip, he would pack a cooler filled with food and water. One night, as he was filling this cooler for a trip, Rob’s mom turned to me and asked something like, ‘Why aren’t you doing this for him? Aren’t you his girlfriend?’ I replied something like, ‘Well, I think he can take care of himself, but if he wants my help, that’s fine, too. He can ask’. The next seven years of my life with his family were, um, shadowed a bit by my comment. Tip: For all those ladies out there who are new to the family, DON’T DO THAT.
Was I being a non-nurturer or simply trusting that Rob could take care of himself (which he does, and very well, I might add).
The truth is that, yes, I could nurture a bit more – not because I’m a woman, but because I’m a partner to a good man who deserves it every now and again. On the flip side, however I personally think that many women do get carried away with this role – many women take my MIL’s stance and take that all the way through their 20s and then wonder why they feel spent and restless as the years of marriage forge on. And then there are the women who absolutely thrive on this type of relationship, which is fine and great, I guess, but what if nurturing is not your nature?
What I learned in my 20s is that there is never a perfect balance of anything: Not love, not work-life, not politics, not yoga, not the division of household labor and not even eating chocolate cake for dinner and then an egg-white omelet for breakfast the next day. In the end, things usually lean one way or another – balance, shmalance. Instead, I think it’s constantly working towards that never-existing balance that keeps things interesting. It’s the pursuit, not the achievement of balance that keeps a marriage thriving. Or at least, in my two and half years of marriage and 11 years of relationship, that’s what I’ve figured out.
So, tonight, when Rob comes home, there will be dinner made, because I love to cook almost as much as I love chocolate cake for dinner. But the dishes? Well, I’m not touching those.
I’m working on balance.
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Maybe I’m way off beam (and/or off message) here, but I’m thinking that nurturing in a relationship is doing things that the other partner likes because they like them, not just because you want to and certainly not because you feel an obligation. For example, I’ll sometimes offer to cook just to give me a chance to do so, but the times I feel I’m being nurturing are the times I cook to give the regular cook a break rather than because I want to cook.
you’re not off the mark at all! in fact, with all the great comments here (and emails!) i’ve realized that, like definitions of love and marriage and coupling, there are various definitions of nurturing as well. some say it’s doing things out of love, not obligation. others say obligation is part of the nurturing process that’s what makes it so needed for the recipient – it’s a want. and others say it’s the small things done in between the big ones – drawing a warm bath after a long day’s work; making a favorite meal just because or rubbing tired (stinky) feet after a hard day. i gather, that, what it means to you is most important and what it means to others is irrelevant. food for thought.
I don’t think im very nurturing in the everyday sense.. i need to be nurtured more.. but in my current , newish relationship.. i feel like im more than i ever have been.. and i don’t know what that means!
Excellent post…very thought provoking. It’s funny really, because when you say nurturing in a relationship context – it makes me think of nurturing in the way of personal development and challenging one another personally, intellectually, mentally, spiritually too I guess. Nurturing leads to growth and I guess that’s the sort of growth I hope for in a relationship. I can see though that there is this other kind of nurturing, but some people are more inclined to behave that way than others. I have friends who act like that towards everyone, and others who even when they’re head-over-heels in love with someone, are very unlikely to have dinner on the table for them. It’s so dependent on your personality and strengths, and indeed on the other person’s needs – and how healthy those needs are. Some men are brought up being mollycoddled and I for one would not want to be nurturing that at all! (Not saying that’s the case with your guy!). You’re absolutely right that it’s the pursuit and not the achievement – showing love for someone through acts of kindness is very important, but it’s definitely not a matter of duty or service. The thought really is what counts. I guess this is also a cultural issue, and a sociological question of the way each party views the nature of the male-female dynamic. So interesting! Food for thought, thank you.
Thank you Jane! I like your take on it – nurturing your partner’s inner needs, not just the outer with dinners or massages or laundry – i’d have to agree. at least for me anyway, as much as i love a good foot rub, the right words from my partner at the end of the day can replace a massage or high cal meal any night of the week.
you’re right! a marriage is never 50-50. sometimes you’ll carry the load, sometimes he will. in the end though it does find balance. i think the trick is (and not that i’ve mastered it by any means) just TRUST that these things do balance out over the course of a marriage – be patient during the times when you feel depleted or less nurtured because, if your partner really is right for you, eventually, that same caring/nurturing will be available for you.
As a newlywed, I relate SO well to this post.
I’m still trying to strike a balance between nurturing–because i do love making my husband happy–and staffing. i feel i do a lot more in the cleaning department and i get sick ofpicking up after him. but at teh same time, he does cook for me A LOT. we’ve only been married three months and we’re still trying to figure it out, but i constantly have to hold myself back from just ‘doing’ everything and leaving his clothes on the floor so that he WILL pick them up…eventually.
i find though, that if you’ve married a great guy, he will also do those sweet nurturing things for you in return. it’s definitely not 50-50 but i don’t think a relationship is ever 50-50.
agreed! if “wife-ing” was a job… I’d be FIRED. Ha! Good thing I know how to do cute things like make great coffee and dress the cat up like a fairy.
haha I like this! Very interesting discussion that got me thinking. Generally, I wouldn’t say I’m nurturing at all – I’m pretty self-sufficient and feel others should be too – but when I really care about someone I really enjoy doing little things for them and I definitely think that counts as nurturing. You nailed it when you said “not because I’m a woman, but because I’m a partner to a good man who deserves it every now and again” – that’s exactly what it’s about – “rewarding” good behaviour in a way I guess, not doing it just because you feel it’s your job.
hm, i really relate to this, too. i’m very self-sufficient and sometimes, i’d say, to a fault. i can forget the need to nurture because i’m often operating at a fast pace, as one self-contained little unit. in doing that, i forget that i’m needed, too. as much as nurturing is about your partner, it really is a reflection of how comfortable we are (or are not) with allowing ourselves to be vulnerable enough to sense someone else’s needs.
woah. major break through for me there… THANK YOU KIM
Wow so true! No prob, but I think you came to the breakthrough yourself lol. Anytime tho ;)