I keep a pregnancy test in the lower cabinet of my bathroom vanity.
Tucked in the back corner, within a tote filled with grooming supplies and feminine hygiene products and body butters that I never use, my just-in-case-we-slipped test sits in an bright white wrapper, inside of a blue and pink box.
Recently, I had to open that box.
The good news is that we’re not picking out baby names this fall. I say good news because making, growing and raising a baby is just not where our hearts are right now. I’m not sure when our hearts will be there, but I don’t spend a lot of time dwelling on the idea of it either. All I know is, I held my breath the whole time I was peeing on that stick.
I’m sure someday, when the stars are aligned and there’s a half empty bottle of Brunello nearby, our hearts will be open to the possibility of a baby. Until then, I have a second pregnancy test tucked away in a safe place for another one of those hold-my-breath moments.
Since we moved to beautiful Roncesvalles, the avenue strewn with as many vintage shops and Polish delis as baby strollers and hipster parents, our social life has been given a rebirth. Our lives changed and grew and brought us closure to the life we never knew we always wanted. We love it this way.
Lately, chatter and baby-speculation flows freely around the diner table with friends. Most recently it happened again on Valentine’s Day. Twelve of us dined at Giancarlo’s on College Street to celebrate love and friendship; and then, somewhere between appetizers and the main course, it came up: “So, who’s thinking about kids?” someone asked, testing the waters to see who would become the next baby-toting hipster pair.
No one responded. But I’m sure it’s only a matter of time.
Tick-tock.
Maybe it’s living in the city and loving it too much. Maybe it’s fearing things that scream louder than I do. Maybe it’s not feeling rooted since selling our home to move here to Roncesvalles. Maybe all of these reasons keep us from wanting to grow our family of two and half (the cat totally counts as .5). Whatever the reasons, I sure am glad that stick read exactly what I was thinking: Girl, party’s not over yet.
So, is this a topic in your circles, too?
I’m tickled to read your response and glad you enjoyed my comment (aw shucks). I really like your writing and many observations here on your blog. I’ll be around more, indeed!
On April 12, 2007, my husband and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. On April 17, 2007, we welcomed our first and only child, a daughter. I was 41. For years, we just weren’t interested in becoming parents – we had too many other interests! :)
After I turned 37, I had an unexpected “ping” of my biological clock. I was line producing a documentary for which we were shooting footage in a high school auditorium. There were close to 1000 excited parents, family members, and friends awaiting the debuts of the 100+ kids performing “Hello Dolly” that night. It was the first time I ever empathized with the audience instead of the performers. A small voice in my head piped up and said, ‘I’d like a baby.’ I came home, told my husband, and wondered if it was something I ate.
For the next 6 months, I learned just how many of my friends and family members who were my age and older (with kids and without kids) had experienced the same “ping” in their late 30s. I’d had no idea so many women had had the same experience as me at about the same age.
I’m glad I’m an older mom. I know myself better now than I did ten years ago, and I’m more at peace with where I’m at. I’m glad I had such a long period of being married before parenthood came along, too. Becoming parents doesn’t just change your life; it completely obliterates what was, and replaces it with something new. I’m happy to have had such a long “baseline” with my husband before we needed to (continually) adapt as parents.
If and when parenthood feels desirable to you, I hope you experience as much unexpected joy in it as I have!
In the meantime, PLEASE sleep in late for me (a lot), stay up late watching trashy tv or reading magazines, drink too many iced mochas, hug your sweetie without worrying about whether you have any string cheese for snacks tomorrow, and revel in all the finished sentences you utter every single day!
Lorie, I read this on my BlackBerry this morning and couldn’t wait to reply… this was an awesome comment. I mean, you hit it right on the head. My mom told me something similar – she said that, for the first six years of her marriage, kids were not on her mind. Then, she had that ‘ping’ moment. She woke up one morning and said out loud, “I want a baby…” I was born the next year. I know that my urge will come the same way. That’s how it happened with marriage. I was a “not me, not married” girl for years, even after being with my boyfriend (now husband) for eight years. We even lived together. Then, one day, I just felt… ready.
I loved reading your experience and hope you’ll come back soon and share again. THIS is what I love about blogging – the conversation.
Sandy, GET OUT OF MY HEAD! I finally had a mo on my home computer to catch up on blogs and I read this post right after writing someone a guest post — ABOUT JUST-IN-CASE PREGNANCY TESTS!
That’s eerie, dude.
And congratulations on being not-a-mommy yet. You’re so young! You at least need to skydive first.
I agree with you. I love our independent life, and I feel that we have so many things to enjoy as a couple, first, before having kids, that I just don’t want to rush things just for the sake of it.
I already have 2 girlfriends who are pregnant (they’re 26, just like me) and I’m happy for them, but I wouldn’t trade places with them right now.
I hope I’ll wake up one day, as you said, feeling that I want to be a mommy but so far I keep waking up feeling that I want to kill my alarm clock…
One of my best friends just called me last week to tell me that she is pregnant…with her third child. She is a year younger then me. Let me tell you, her phone call freaked me out. I am over the moon happy for her. Pumping out babies is just what she wants, but it made me want to take myself out for a drink and celebrate not being with child. I want to be a mom in a major way…but not for a while. There is no room in my life for a baby at this point. Selfish as it may be. It is true. So, congratulations. You live to buy tampons for another month (and many more).
Oh yes! and since I got married much later than most of my friends, I’m usually the only one being asked “when?”. I started thinking about it a lot this past year after turning 35 and I feel like my age is forcing me to think about it more. I’m with you on enjoying life. My husband and I have only been married for barely 2.5 years but I worry about the old clock sometimes.
I love kids. Other people’s… It’s not that I don’t want one – maybe one day…but for now it is the furthest thing on my mind. I am also completely single, so I guess it’s probably a good thing. I keep thinking that maybe my clock will start ticking loud enough for me to be aware of it, one of these days.. but so far- nothing.
I hear you on this one. Being 29 makes the whole big Baby question way more real. And serious. I am still getting used to people my age having babies that are PLANNED and not automatically assuming “oops, well hopefully it all works out…” I am pretty sure that I want a little one or maybe two but it still seems so far away. Then I think, hey, I’m 29 and my fertility is dropping every year etc. Ackkkk!!! But I am still so into being selfish, having lots of recreational/quality time with my hubby, drinking a leeettle too much wine, occasional fun herbs and just being d.i.n.ks. Like you, I’m not ready ready for this party to end…..for a while:)
You pretty much summed up a typical Saturday night for me just now… I think I love you. Too soon?
Thanks for your comment though, seriously. It’s a topic that hits close to home with gals “our age” and all. It’s not selfish to think this way – it’s thoughtful and mindful. It takes just as much thought and courage to just say no to kids than it does to just “go with the flow” and birth those babies. I think motherhood is a wonderful experience and I would never want to cloud that experience with unnecessary pressure.
Wow, when did I get so grown up?!
Yes, v.grown up! Maybe you are ready to have a baby?! Hee hee….I kid….oooh, pardon the pun!
I am just going to jump on the couch and say I love you! Thanks for you inspiring blog. It has made me laugh, cry and most of all – you have made me inspired to stretch outside my comfort zone. xo. L
Wait a second! Now this is a lovely surprise. The little red light on my BlackBerry just went all blinky on me… I have another comment from LORA B. (!)
Ok, I double love you: One, because you came back to read my reply, which I often wonder if readers do; and TWO, those comments basically made the rest of Monday worth suffering through. In fact, you’ve kindly shaped up my whole week to include some serious awesome. Thank you so, so very much for the support and warm words, Lora!
Aw, shucks.
I love babies but the thought of raising kids freaks me out beyond anything. Seriously…and they pretty much take up your life..
Maybe one day..but until them I’m glad to be letting go of my eggs every month.
Yes, eggs are meant to be broken! (Wait, that was weird…)
Ha!
take your time! we waited 5 years of marriage to get pregnant and it was worth it. plus the best part of peeing on that stick is when you really want it to be positive :)
Oh, that’s a wonderful thought, Jessie – the part about wanting it to be positive. Ah, someday! My parents waited six years before having me and my mom (although she BUGS me about wanting to be a grandma… blah blah blah) has always been supportive of the couple time, ya know? I’m at an interesting place in my life when friends are starting families – always puts things (and life) into perspective that extra notch.
I’m totally with you on this also – I mean I’m only 25 so still comparatively young, so I’m SO not ready to have a kid right now and I’m not sure I will ever want one. I’ve just never been one of those people that’s dreamed of having kids and getting married. I would love to find a companion for life, but I think if we never get married or have kids I won’t be that broken up about it. I LOVE my freedom and independence and the fact is that completely goes out the window when you have a kid. And I think there’s a pressure from various directions (esp on women) to do things at a certain time and a certain pace and if you don’t do that there’s something wierd about you, and I think that’s unfortunate. There are a ton of people around me who are my age or younger who are having babies or getting married and I feel they are too young. It’s good to wait until you have matured and have “sowed your wild oats” so to speak before having kids; you have to do it when the time is right for you and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Exactly! Kids, although a milestone, shouldn’t be a goal, I feel. None of this, “I have to have kids by…” Same goes for marriage. I find that when milestones are hit this way, it takes the pleasure out of the process. Life’s the journey, right?
For some people, it’s just not a priority. I’m 47, and still single because I’ve never found anyone I feel that way about and who feels that way about me. No sympathy please; the point is that I just don’t feel an imperative to “settle down” except with the the right person, never mind have them bear my children.
My BFF is married (and near as dammit the same age as me), but otherwise feels the same way. In fact, on reflection I think I’m friends with nearly as many childless (and no plans) couples as I am couples with children.
Your comments are always so great, Ken. Thank you. There really should be no time limit on love. Like I said in my comment to Kim, when we make life a series of goals it just becomes so, I dunno, contrived, doesn’t it? I know, I know, this from a girl with a List of things to do before 30. I get it. But jumping out of a plane before 30 and aiming to stat a family before 30 are two totally different leaps, so to speak. Somehow, jumping out of a plane scares me less!
And thank you too, just for, well, being you really. I agree about not having “must do by [age] life goals”, a list of “things I want to experience but aren’t committments for the next 16 years plus” isn’t the same. Although I don’t get skydiving; why do people voluntarily jump out of perfectly servicable aircraft? ;) This from a guy who goes up high buildings, tower cranes and the like, finds the glass floor/pierced steel catwalk and stands on it, then looks straight down!
Yes, I do read your replies to comments; I just don’t re-reply unless I’ve got something further to say. Ok?
I’m 31 and would love to have a baby, it’s just not been in the cards for us. Though I am lucky to not have a ton of friends with babies, but with more of my single friends getting marred and my friends entering their 30s I see it coming, at which time I will need to find new friends that are either, a) single and around my age (and hopefully not too bitter about that), b) so old they can’t have kids, or c) are really young and have not thought about having them yet. Congrats on the not being pregnant, we can still be friends.
But seriously, I don’t usually feel bitter about this, I still enjoy my freedom and enjoy the time with my husband and friends and dogs. And if I never have kids I’ll trust that there is a reason for that and be happy with what I have.
Hey Lady! Another one of my favorite commenters these days – thank you! “Congrats on not being pregnant”… um, loving that. Does Hallmark make a card?
For people wanting a baby but not being able to have one, it’s hard. Equally, for people like me who don’t want a baby (now, anyway) and face the prospect of “ooops!”… well, it’s daunting, too. Like I replied to Jessie, I’m in this place when friends are becoming parents (or at least thinking about it) which sort of has a way of throwing life (and getting older) into perspective. Wow, when did shit get so serious! Someone pass the vodka.
Honestly, when I first started wanting a baby it was totally because i thought if I didn’t I’d run out of time (yeah, thats a reason to get pregnant). It’s still surreal to e, it isn’t as if I’m jealous of every baby I see, or want someone elses. I just figured I’m running out of time, and I do want children, you know?
Wait, did that make me sound like I’m going to be a bad parent??? Maybe that’s what God is thinking too, hmmmm…
And dude, you know how I told you it was all sunny and 72 degrees here 2 days ago. It’s snowing. Seriously. In Texas. Like 3 inches (I know not a lot, but for Austin it is).
“Maybe it’s living in the city and loving it too much. Maybe it’s fearing things that scream louder than I do. Maybe it’s not feeling rooted since selling our home to move here to Roncesvalles. Maybe all of these reasons keep us from wanting to grow our family of two and half (the cat totally counts as .5).”
That’s pretty much exactly how I feel (minus the living in Roncesvalles part!). I love the freedom of being childless and my party is definitely not over yet. And frankly I’m just not ready. That may change someday though. I always imagined I’d be one of those chic over 35 moms…
Me, too! I always thought I’d get those mommy feelings in my 30s. Now that I’m 29, well, I guess it’s been decided, hasn’t it? Like my mom always said, someday you’ll wake up one morning and just want to be a mother. Same thing happened when I decided I was ready to be a wife. I trust my gut, baby!